I’m an optimist—I believe that relationships can and do change for the better if the people involved are open to doing the work. Rona feels the same way.
What a wonderful conversation and I can't help feeling as though I've been eavesdropping for years on the Rona-Joyce sister relationship (having read two previously published essays, one by each of them, about their relationship to the other). I confess I'm FB friends with Joyce and when I joined Substack I was delighted to discover Rona writing Amazement Seeker. I'm also one of two sisters, the elder, and we are thick and tight in our bond but have made different life choices along the way and lucky to navigate the rougher waters; now that both are parents are gone we are finding our way to a new kind of sisterhood with more joy. Sister relationships are so interesting, complicated, and intimate. And the theme has me interested in reading more of Debby's Substack which I've been enjoying.
Have you also read their memoirs? My Mother's Daughter and Starter Dog by Rona, At Home in the World and The Best of Us by Joyce, and Raisins and Almonds by their late mother, Fredelle. That's really like having a conversation with them—or going on a long vacation with them. So very interesting! (And I'm so glad you're enjoying reading my Substack.)
I've read Mother's Daughter and At Home in the World and The Best of Us, but yet to start Starter Dog and now I MUST go find Raisins and Almonds! Thanks for all the good writing and creating a supportive literary community.
I have always loved this quote from Anne Lamott: You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. '
ooo Debby and Rona, you have no idea how much this post means to me. I have an eight-years-younger sister with whom I’m on cordial terms but we are not close and sometimes we are close to estranged. I was an only child, as well, for almost the decade before she came along! Our relationship became even more fraught and unpleasant when our mother died a year ago. It is her expressed wish to not be close (“we’re not friends,” she tells me). I’m not even sure I can unravel what happened 30+ years ago to put us in this situation. She (and my brothers) have told me I can NOT write about our mother or father (who’s still alive at 93). Have not agreed to this. And published an essay about my dad a few months ago. Thanks for this important conversation! https://open.substack.com/pub/debbieweil/p/the-complicated-vigil-for-my-declining?
Oh, wow, Debbie. I am so sorry for what you're going through. And I'm glad this post brought you some small comfort. Amy and I had really worked hard to repair our relationship when we were in our forties and early fifties, but when our mom was sick (she had Parkinson's and, we learned after she died, Lewy Body dementia and Alzheimer's) our relationship frayed yet again. I started feeling as frustrated and angry with her as I had when we were teenagers. I did what Rona did: I tried really hard to accept her the way she was and not be defensive when we disagreed. Basically I told myself that just because we didn't see eye-to-eye on things didn't mean she was wrong and I was right, it meant we had different ways of processing things. I'm not a therapist and you're not asking for advice, so I won't offer any here, except to say that sometimes just accepting someone, if possible, goes a long way toward diffusing anger and hurt. As for the relatives telling you can't write about your mother or father, I've been there, too: Mom did not want me or Amy writing about our dad. But Debbie, they were your parents, too, and you have a right to write about whatever you want. It's always better if you can do it responsibly, if you can turn your experiences into art instead of a battering ram (I speak from experience: early versions of my memoir were rife with anger and I used the writing of it as an opportunity to take out my frustrations on people I'd felt wronged me. Not surprisingly, those versions didn't get much traction with anybody.) Anyway, that's my more than two cents.
Debbie, how terribly sad—and how common. Since the essay is paywalled, I will stick to the big umbrella under which so many huddle. Families have their complicated politics, and many families have a scapegoat. Since you are already the odd person out, I don’t see any downside in telling the story you have lived. Your sister is already gone. You will not get her back by following her rules. You can’t be a good sister in her eyes, but you can be a good writer at this precious stage of life when becoming your true self is finally possible.
Sometimes angry siblings troll the Internet looking to stir up trouble. A few years ago, family members tried to destroy a memoirist’s credibility on Goodreads. I bought the memoir in solidarity.
I second these sentiments. This post is what I needed today. a) I’ve been fascinated by the Maynard sisters but more important b) I have a super successful brilliant sister 8 1/2 years younger that I haven’t been able to figure out especially our relationship and today we had a text conversation that left me as baffled about our relationship as I’ve ever been. And it goes back to trauma that we’ve never really addressed
Thank you for your memoirs. I’m new to your Substack (though not to you) and am enjoying them!
Wow, Liz. Thank you for reading but especially for writing. It means so much to me to get feedback. I hope you can find a way to address those traumas. A few chapters from now, I really get into the meat of that, recounting the first really hard conversations I had with my sister. (Spoiler alert: I was not at all receptive to what she had to say. And to her credit, she understood and backed off.)
Also, wouldn't it be nice if someday, you could sell an actual copy of this actual book, at actual Audreys?
Loved this. I have brothers but so much of what you wrote rings true. It is complicated because even though we were raised in the same household by the same parents we view things totally differently and react differently. It really resonates with me that although we may not see eye to eye my brothers have other redeeming qualities. When their point of view is not mine before I react or overreact I ask myself: “is this a hill to die on?” Things have become stressful at times, especially when it comes to our 98 year old mom. But we muddle through and get over ourselves and try to do the best for her.
Oh, sisters. I have two older ones. Five years and 10 years older. Very complicated relationships. Things really broke down after our father had already died and my mother was in her decline, over a 13 year period. A lot of pain and sorrow. I think when there’s that much of an age gap it’s really hard. For me, the key is to not have any expectations and just to think of them as people that I know and see occasionally. For me, my chosen family are the people that I have intense and intimate relationships with that cause me great joy and wonderful friendships.
My partner was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease at the age of 66.. His symptoms included excruciating calf pain, muscular aches, tremors, slurred speech, frequent falls, loss of balance, and trouble standing up from a seated posture. After six months on Senemet, Siferol was given to him in place of the Senemet. It was also at this period that he was diagnosed with dementia. He began seeing hallucinations and became detached from reality. With the doctor's approval, we stopped giving him Siferol and chose to try the Natural Herbs Center PD-5 protocol, which we had already looked into. After three months of therapy, he has made significant progress. The illness has been completely contained. There are no symptoms of persistent twitching, weakness, tremors, hallucinations, or muscle soreness. The PD-5 Protocol was obtained from naturalherbscentre. com. Though you still need to determine what works best for you, I thought I would share my husband's story in case it could be helpful. Greetings and prayers
What a wonderful conversation and I can't help feeling as though I've been eavesdropping for years on the Rona-Joyce sister relationship (having read two previously published essays, one by each of them, about their relationship to the other). I confess I'm FB friends with Joyce and when I joined Substack I was delighted to discover Rona writing Amazement Seeker. I'm also one of two sisters, the elder, and we are thick and tight in our bond but have made different life choices along the way and lucky to navigate the rougher waters; now that both are parents are gone we are finding our way to a new kind of sisterhood with more joy. Sister relationships are so interesting, complicated, and intimate. And the theme has me interested in reading more of Debby's Substack which I've been enjoying.
Have you also read their memoirs? My Mother's Daughter and Starter Dog by Rona, At Home in the World and The Best of Us by Joyce, and Raisins and Almonds by their late mother, Fredelle. That's really like having a conversation with them—or going on a long vacation with them. So very interesting! (And I'm so glad you're enjoying reading my Substack.)
I've read Mother's Daughter and At Home in the World and The Best of Us, but yet to start Starter Dog and now I MUST go find Raisins and Almonds! Thanks for all the good writing and creating a supportive literary community.
I have always loved this quote from Anne Lamott: You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. '
This includes sisters as far as I am concerned.
Great quote that is forgotten. I have her new book by my bedside and am savouring it.
ooo Debby and Rona, you have no idea how much this post means to me. I have an eight-years-younger sister with whom I’m on cordial terms but we are not close and sometimes we are close to estranged. I was an only child, as well, for almost the decade before she came along! Our relationship became even more fraught and unpleasant when our mother died a year ago. It is her expressed wish to not be close (“we’re not friends,” she tells me). I’m not even sure I can unravel what happened 30+ years ago to put us in this situation. She (and my brothers) have told me I can NOT write about our mother or father (who’s still alive at 93). Have not agreed to this. And published an essay about my dad a few months ago. Thanks for this important conversation! https://open.substack.com/pub/debbieweil/p/the-complicated-vigil-for-my-declining?
Oh, wow, Debbie. I am so sorry for what you're going through. And I'm glad this post brought you some small comfort. Amy and I had really worked hard to repair our relationship when we were in our forties and early fifties, but when our mom was sick (she had Parkinson's and, we learned after she died, Lewy Body dementia and Alzheimer's) our relationship frayed yet again. I started feeling as frustrated and angry with her as I had when we were teenagers. I did what Rona did: I tried really hard to accept her the way she was and not be defensive when we disagreed. Basically I told myself that just because we didn't see eye-to-eye on things didn't mean she was wrong and I was right, it meant we had different ways of processing things. I'm not a therapist and you're not asking for advice, so I won't offer any here, except to say that sometimes just accepting someone, if possible, goes a long way toward diffusing anger and hurt. As for the relatives telling you can't write about your mother or father, I've been there, too: Mom did not want me or Amy writing about our dad. But Debbie, they were your parents, too, and you have a right to write about whatever you want. It's always better if you can do it responsibly, if you can turn your experiences into art instead of a battering ram (I speak from experience: early versions of my memoir were rife with anger and I used the writing of it as an opportunity to take out my frustrations on people I'd felt wronged me. Not surprisingly, those versions didn't get much traction with anybody.) Anyway, that's my more than two cents.
Debbie, how terribly sad—and how common. Since the essay is paywalled, I will stick to the big umbrella under which so many huddle. Families have their complicated politics, and many families have a scapegoat. Since you are already the odd person out, I don’t see any downside in telling the story you have lived. Your sister is already gone. You will not get her back by following her rules. You can’t be a good sister in her eyes, but you can be a good writer at this precious stage of life when becoming your true self is finally possible.
Rona, I decided to paywall after one of my brothers found the post. I don’t know how he did, as my sibs are not subscribers to anything I write.
Sometimes angry siblings troll the Internet looking to stir up trouble. A few years ago, family members tried to destroy a memoirist’s credibility on Goodreads. I bought the memoir in solidarity.
Oooh. I have been looking forward to reading this. Nice work, Sisters!!!! :)
I’m glad to know both of you. The Waldman Sisters forever!
We feel the same way about the Maynards!
I second these sentiments. This post is what I needed today. a) I’ve been fascinated by the Maynard sisters but more important b) I have a super successful brilliant sister 8 1/2 years younger that I haven’t been able to figure out especially our relationship and today we had a text conversation that left me as baffled about our relationship as I’ve ever been. And it goes back to trauma that we’ve never really addressed
Thank you for your memoirs. I’m new to your Substack (though not to you) and am enjoying them!
Wow, Liz. Thank you for reading but especially for writing. It means so much to me to get feedback. I hope you can find a way to address those traumas. A few chapters from now, I really get into the meat of that, recounting the first really hard conversations I had with my sister. (Spoiler alert: I was not at all receptive to what she had to say. And to her credit, she understood and backed off.)
Also, wouldn't it be nice if someday, you could sell an actual copy of this actual book, at actual Audreys?
Loved this. I have brothers but so much of what you wrote rings true. It is complicated because even though we were raised in the same household by the same parents we view things totally differently and react differently. It really resonates with me that although we may not see eye to eye my brothers have other redeeming qualities. When their point of view is not mine before I react or overreact I ask myself: “is this a hill to die on?” Things have become stressful at times, especially when it comes to our 98 year old mom. But we muddle through and get over ourselves and try to do the best for her.
Thanks, Sharon. And that's the question we need to ask ourselves more often: "Is this a hill to die on?" Words to live by.
Debby, I'm so glad you proposed this and can't wait to see what other sisters have to say.
I'm already looking forward to Part II.
Oh, sisters. I have two older ones. Five years and 10 years older. Very complicated relationships. Things really broke down after our father had already died and my mother was in her decline, over a 13 year period. A lot of pain and sorrow. I think when there’s that much of an age gap it’s really hard. For me, the key is to not have any expectations and just to think of them as people that I know and see occasionally. For me, my chosen family are the people that I have intense and intimate relationships with that cause me great joy and wonderful friendships.
My partner was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease at the age of 66.. His symptoms included excruciating calf pain, muscular aches, tremors, slurred speech, frequent falls, loss of balance, and trouble standing up from a seated posture. After six months on Senemet, Siferol was given to him in place of the Senemet. It was also at this period that he was diagnosed with dementia. He began seeing hallucinations and became detached from reality. With the doctor's approval, we stopped giving him Siferol and chose to try the Natural Herbs Center PD-5 protocol, which we had already looked into. After three months of therapy, he has made significant progress. The illness has been completely contained. There are no symptoms of persistent twitching, weakness, tremors, hallucinations, or muscle soreness. The PD-5 Protocol was obtained from naturalherbscentre. com. Though you still need to determine what works best for you, I thought I would share my husband's story in case it could be helpful. Greetings and prayers