By Debby Waldman
After AI whiz-kid Sam Altman's job history was the lead story in the NYTimes last November, I started thinking about what parts of my job history would be headline worthy. That’s how I came to write my early job history, in (very long) headlines (which would never pass muster with a copy editor). It was the first thing I published on my Substack, on November 28, 2023, but when I looked at it today I realized there were some layout issues. I couldn’t figure out how to fix them, so I just scrapped that column and am re-running it. With images! Enjoy (if you haven’t already read it) (or enjoy again, if you have).
1. Pint-sized busgirl Debby Waldman written off schedule at Mattakeese Wharf in Barnstable Harbor during height of summer season after inadvertently concussing guests with serving trays.
2. Cape Cod Times proofreader Debby Waldman reprimanded for failing to notice typo, leading Puritan Clothing Company to clarify that its department store on Main Street in Hyannis sells swimsuits, not swimshits.
3. Syracuse University catering grunt Debby Waldman nearly loses minimum wage work-study job for serving the Rolling Stones Birds-Eye canned orange juice during the band’s two-night Thanksgiving-weekend stint at the Carrier Dome. (She hangs on to her position by providing the correct answer to the tour manager’s question: “Would you serve your guests canned orange juice?” No doubt she is helped by the tour manager’s hint: “The Rolling Stones do NOT drink canned orange juice!”)
4. Concord Monitor sportswriter Debby Waldman put on probation after seven months. Told by editor and future Pulitzer Prize Administrator Mike Pride, “Because of you, the Sports Department is like a car with three wheels.”
5. Concord Monitor Sportswriter Debby Waldman removed from her position after eight months. Told by editor and future Pulitzer Prize Administrator Mike Pride, “Because of you, the Sports Department is like a horse with three legs.”
6. Concord Monitor news reporter Debby Waldman blamed for drop in circulation after publication of her first news feature, “Local Man Finds New Life as Male Stripper.”
7. New Haven Register Living Department reporter Debby Waldman blamed for drop in circulation after publication of her Connecticut feature-writing debut, “She Strips for Jesus.”
8. New Haven Register Living Department reporter Debby Waldman reaches heights of glory when future Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright August Wilson deems her “brilliant.”
9. New Haven Register Living Department reporter Debby Waldman falls into pit of despair when famed photographer Richard Avedon reduces her to tears at a fancy lunch at Mory’s Temple Bar after taking offense when she asks him if he prefers shooting fashion models or people covered with bugs.
10. Former newspaper reporter Debby Waldman attempts to make ends meet as a Cornell MFA student by selling homemade oatmeal cookies at the Ithaca Food Co-op.
11. Newly minted Cornell MFA Debby Waldman abandons short-lived dream of career in academia after entire* creative writing class at St. Lawrence University turns on her during Rodney King trial for criticizing David Duke’s KKK history.
12. *Actually, not the entire class. Upon returning to her office on that fateful day when she dared to criticize a neo-Nazi, soon-to-be-former-visiting-assistant-English-professor Debby Waldman finds encouraging note from sympathetic student, which concludes with the following: “PS: Hang in there. I know what teachers go through. My father was one and couldn’t take it, so he became a contractor.”
Absolutely hilarious. Also, I grew up in Concord. Weird.
This is definitely one of the funniest articles I've read on Substack. Great format too!